


Lost Among the Stars

by WinterDreams



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Family Feels, Fix-It, Gen, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 14:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3123095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterDreams/pseuds/WinterDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loosely a "five times Shepard lost people, and the one time she didn't." Includes moments from all three games, with Earth-born Shepard and an optimistic outlook for Post-Destroy ending because I am in denial and screw unhappy unendings.</p><p>EDIT: I somehow forgot Kasumi, even if she's only in it briefly. She's been added now :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Among the Stars

One 

She loses her parents before she’s even old enough to know what it means to lose something. Instead of a mother’s soft voice that wakes her in the morning, it’s Asha’s loud voice snapping at her to get to work on the day’s pickings. Instead of a father hugging her reassuringly when she hurts herself, it’s one of the older children yelling at her to pick herself up quickly and learn not to be so careless next time. Instead of siblings, there are the younger street brats that fight and yell and steal from each other.

But the younger children also joke and laugh and defend her from anyone who isn’t one of the Reds. The older children make sure they are all off the streets when night falls and inexperienced street brats disappear as quickly and silently as a drunk slips beneath the water’s surface. Asha makes sure all of them get a fair share of whatever food they have that day. When it is cold at night, none of them have any qualms about pressing their bodies as close to each other as possible–arms splayed across another’s chest, legs tangled in each others, and faces pressed against bare shoulders.

And so Shepard doesn’t realize she is missing anything for the first six years of her life.

When she is six, Asha starts sending her and Finch into streets where she begins to notice the difference between the people she steals from and the Reds. She listens to children as young as herself run up to adults, crying “mother!” and “father!” when they are hurt. She watches the adults scoop the children into their arms high above dirty ground.

“Where are my parents?” she will ask Finch later when they stand in alleyway, huddled around their pickings of the day.

“You don’t got any,” Finch tells her.

“Why not?”

“Cuz they left you.”

“Why?”

“Cuz your face looks like a butt.”

Finch returns home that night with a cut lip and bruised eye. The other children shove him and slap Shepard on the back, but she heads straight to Asha. She has the same answer for Shepard when she asks about her parents. They are gone. Gone where? Asha doesn’t say and she smacks Shepard on the head for asking stupid questions. Reds don’t need parents, just other Reds, Asha tells her and Shepard stops asking about parents and family.

Three years later, she is scrambling up a rusty fire exit when the whole thing suddenly gives way and she finds herself scraping along the brick wall and plummeting to the hard ground below. She was close enough to the ground that she doesn’t break her ankle, but she still screams upon impact, tears springing to her eyes instantly as she curls into a small ball.

 _“Reds don’t cry_ , _”_ she hears Asha telling her as the tears drip down her cheeks while blood drips down her leg. She tries to roll onto her knees and kneel, but the pain that spikes up her leg makes her cry out. She bites down on another whimper as she slowly moves onto her bum so she can examine her leg.

It looks as if she has scraped off the entire top layer of skin from her knee to ankle and Shepard feels the tears stream faster despite the constant voice reminding her that Reds _don’t cry ever_. But the pain isn’t going away and worse is the possibility of infection for Asha is always telling them to be careful not to scrape too much skin off, and not to scrape it on anything dirty. They can bind a cut but getting meds for infections are trickier, and the larger the cut, the harder it is to cover it and keep it clean and if Shepard gets it infected–

“Hey, are you alright?”

Shepard bites down so hard on her lip to keep from shrieking that blood spills onto her tongue. When she turns around, she finds herself inches away from the concerned expression of a young woman. Then Shepard’s gaze goes to the insignia on the chest of the woman’s clothing, and she’s crab-walking backwards as fast as her tiny body can go. The hard metal of a dumpster prevents her from moving further than a few feet away, empty bottles sent flying by her dirty hands.

The woman is wearing an Alliance uniform.

_“Never do anything if you see an Alliance soldier around,” Asha tells them. “Never steal from them. Don’t catch their attention. Don’t even go near them.”_

Now there is one staring at her, gun hanging from the holster at her hip while Shepard is far from any other of the Reds, alone and hurt in an anonymous alleyway.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” the woman apologizes, and Shepard remains frozen in place. “I was watching you climb earlier and I saw you fall and scream.”

Shepard still remains silent and motionless, barely able to breathe through the fear that is starting to melt away the more the woman speaks in her gentle voice. She makes no move to grab her gun or Shepard, hands loosely splayed in front of her and shoulders relaxed.

“That looks pretty nasty,” the woman says and gestures toward Shepard’s leg. “Does it hurt?”

Shepard shakes her head quickly.

“Really?” The woman smiles at her. “Well you certainly are a brave girl—braver than me for sure. I would be crying by this point.”

“No you wouldn’t,” Shepard argues before she can stop herself, and the woman blinks at her.

“Why not?”

“Cuz you’re an Alliance soldier. They don’t cry.”

_“Alliance soliders don’t got any sympathy for us low-lifes. They’re harder than rock so if you are an idiot and do run into one of them, you gotta be just as hard.”_

“Well that’s true I am an Alliance soldier. But you’re forgetting something else.”

“What?”

The woman grins at her.

“I’m human just like you. And all humans cry once and awhile, just like they all bleed like you are right now.”

Shepard frowns at her, but the woman continues speaking before she can ponder her words. “Now, why don’t we get your leg taken care of? There’s a clinic just a few blocks away we can go to.”

Shepard jerks away at that, but before she can scuttle off down another alley way, the woman quickly rises her hands in a sign of surrender.

“I’m not going to make you stay there or make you go anywhere else. I just want to make sure you’re okay. And if there’s anything that needs to be paid for, I can do that.”

“Why?”

“Well, I’m an Alliance soldier, aren’t I? And their job is to help everyone who needs it.”

“I don’t need help,” Shepard grumbles, but sways to her feet instead of running off.

“Well I do. I hurt my arm a few minutes ago and need to get it checked out. But I’d feel a lot better if I had company.”

Shepard squints at the woman for a long time, trying hard to see the monster Asha sees. The woman continues to wait patiently until Shepard relents and joins her by her side. They head through the busy streets together, Shepard limping and the woman matching her stride to Shepard’s.

“I wish I hadn’t left my omni-tool behind. It would have been a lot quicker.”

“What kinda omni-tool do you got?” Shepard asks before she can stop herself. Asha is never without hers, and Finch is always making them stop outside the shops so he can drool at the different versions sitting in the shop window.

For the rest of the walk to the clinic, the woman tells Shepard all about the fascinating technology the Alliance works with. Shepard had known about basic omni-tools and medi-gel, but all the information about the various tools and ships and planets are completely new to her. She’s never heard much about the Citadel beyond snippets of news she sees on the streets or Asha’s swearing about it. The woman makes it seem like a utopia, filled with people and technology beyond Shepard’s imagining.

“Of course, there’s no place like home,” the officer says with a smile as they enter the clinic. Shepard is too concerned with the doctor dragging her forward to examine her leg to give the woman a reply. While they wait for the doctor to finish patching Shepard up, Shepard continues to ask the woman questions, most of her caution buried beneath the weight of her curiosity and the genuine attention the woman shows her.

The woman follows her to the door when it is all done after speaking quickly with the doctor. Shepard has a fresh bandage wrapped around her leg, and a container of anti-infection cream in her dress, though the doctor assures her she shouldn’t need it after the meds he’d given her already.

“I’d better be off,” the woman tells Shepard. “My ship leaves in little under half an hour. Take care of yourself. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll see you in a ship or at the Citadel.”

“Me?” Shepard says with disbelief.

“Sure, why not? You seem like a brave girl. The Alliance would be lucky to have you–just wait until you’re eighteen and then you’ll be all set to join.”

The woman leaves with one last request that Shepard take care of herself, and Shepard scampers off into the crowd. Finch finds her a few minutes later and they take to the roofs, Finch complaining the entire time at Shepard for disappearing for so long. Only a moment away from their hide-out, Shepard glances up at the sky and sees a ship flying for space.

“You know, one day I’m gonna fly in one of those,” Shepard says, and points at the fading ship. Finch gapes at her for a second before bursting into laughter. She whirls on him and glares as hard as she can.

“Yeah right,” Finch snorts.

“It’s true!” Shepard insists. “I’ll fly in one of them and have a really big crew and see the whole universe and meet all sorts of people!”

“You will not.”

“Will too!”

“Bullshit,” Finch scoffs, lips turning into a sneer with Shepard’s continued insistences. “Your parents didn’t want you–why would some stupid ship want you?”

When they return to the hide-out, Finch is sporting a cut lip, refusing to speak with all the boys and girls who laugh at him. Shepard ignores everyone, heading straight for the stairs leading to the rooftop. She sits there until the stars come out, carefully compartmentalizing all her emotions just like Asha taught her, before she finally rejoins the Reds inside.

Three months later, Finch and Shepard return home in much the same manner. Finch complains that Shepard is growing soft but Shepard ignores the jeers and escapes to the roof. When Asha finally asks what all the fuss was about, the only thing Finch can offer is the comment he made about the dead officer they saw on the news as they walked home.

“Well, Shepard?” Asha demands when the girl finally comes back down from the roof.

“She died saving people,” Shepard says, glaring at Finch. “She’s a hero!”

“She’s a dumb Alliance bi–”

“Enough!” Asha shouts, grabbing Shepard as she leaps for Finch with a snarl. Asha’s nails dig into Shepard’s shoulders as she forces her to stand still and stare into Asha’s sharp green eyes. “You hear me, Shepard? I don’t know what’s going through that head of yours, but you forget about any Alliance soldiers and their idiotic heroics, understand?”

She shoves Shepard away with a scowl. “You’re one of the Reds, that’s all that matters.”

Asha stalks away, shouting at everyone dinner is in ten if they want anything tonight. Shepard glares one last time at Finch before stomping away, though she’ll still sit beside him once dinner comes around.

But she will never forget Christine Anderson and the smile on her face when she told Shepard she could be more than a lost child of the streets. 

 

Two

There’s gunfire in her ears, blood in her mouth, and she wonders if this is what Hell is like. Forced to make endless choices you never dreamed yourself capable of making, and feel a piece of yourself being stripped away with each one.

Her crewmates’ selflessness rises above the gunfire in a loud wail, and Shepard wants to yell at them to both be quiet. She wants to tell them to let her think, even though she knows there is no _thinking_ about this because there is no logic to this choice. If she were to make a list of rational pros and cons for each of them, both lists would be equal to each other.

Both of them have become an integral member of the Normandy.

An integral member of her own life.

“Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

The words spill from Shepard’s lips before she allows herself time for rationality. The words feel like ash coating her tongue and she swallows it all down. She feels it when it begins to burn the inside of her stomach, eating away at her lungs and sending nausea spiralling through her.

 _"Reds don’t cry.”_ Asha’s whisper overlaps with that of her old Alliance officers shouting at the new recruits to never fucking quit, and Shepard pushes away from the railing she’s been using for support.

 Kaidan stumbles over his reply and Ashley’s voice cuts off any possible protests, all the fire and death of the battle around her seeping into the force of her words.

 “You know it’s the right choice, LT.”

 Shepard wants to tell them both that she’s sorry and she doesn’t know if it is the right choice.

 She wants to tell Ashley she doesn’t know how she’s going to look Ashley’s younger sister in the eye and tell her it’s time she buries a sister beside their father.

 She wants to tell Ashley she thinks in another life they could have simply been friends.

 But the universe needs _Commander_ Shepard first, and Carol Shepard second. So she simply tells Ashley she’s sorry, and listens when her voice is cut off over the comm as Shepard fights in the shadow of the bomb.

 “You’re going after the bastards that killed her?” Ashley’s younger sister will later ask when Shepard takes the time to call her to personally deliver the news. There are no tears in the girl’s eyes yet, and Shepard sees a rage similar to the one seen in Ashley’s eyes when they picked her up after the decimation of her unit.

 “Yes,” Shepard says.

 “Good,” Ashley’s younger sister says, vicious smile twisting her lips. “Make them fucking pay.”

 

Three

Shepard’s lungs are screaming and her fingers scrabble at the back of her helmet. There’s no way for her to fix the hissing leak in the middle of the empty space she finds herself in, but the panic singing through her veins forces her to try. There’s a planet behind her and fire ahead of her, the outline of a massive alien ship speeding away from the burning light. But it’s the smaller ship that pulls at her attention as she watches it dying as surely as she is. Another explosion rocks what remains of the Normandy and it’s impossible to know if Joker’s emergency pod got away in time.

Another explosion blasts through the ship.

Her body is truly howling now, but she is as helpless to save herself as she is the home burning in her dimming vision.

 

Four

“Shepard, can you hear me?”

“Yes, sir, what–”

“I don’t have time to explain, Shepard,” Anderson cuts her off, hologram flickering in and out. Nobody else is in the war room where she speaks with him at the moment, though she’s sure EDI is recording everything. “I’m judging by the fact that you’re alive that your mission was a success. I wanted to tell you the second the Alliance sees the Normandy again on their radars, they’re ordering you to hand over the Normandy and yourself.”

“They want to arrest me?”

“They want to monitor you and put the Normandy under lock-down, see what Cerberus has been up to.”

Shepard bites down the frustration welling inside her. They made it back through the Omega 4 relay merely moments ago when Joker had informed her Anderson was trying to contact them.

“Then I’ll tell them,” Shepard says. “I’ll them everything about the Collectors and the Reapers and I’ll them they need to start preparing _now_ because the Reapers are coming.”

“I’m not sure they’ll want to believe you,” Anderson says, holding up a hand before Shepard can cut in. “But Admiral Hackett and I will do our best to make them listen.”

“Thank you, sir,” Shepard says. “And for the warning.”

"I figured some of your crew might appreciate the heads-up,” Anderson replies with a small twist of his lips, and Shepard nods. They sign off and Shepard heads back to the galaxy map where everyone is waiting for her, telling Joker to join them as she goes. She takes a moment just to study them and revel in the fact that they are still all impossibly alive.

“Trouble, Shepard?” Garrus asks, mandibles twitching as the others frown. She offers him a weary smile.

"As usual,” she replies before forcing the brisk, commanding tone back into her voice. “Alright everyone listen up. The moment the Alliance gets word of our coordinates, they’re going to send a team out to bring the Normandy back to Earth.”

“They’ll want to know everything Cerberus has done to it,” Doctor Chakwas says with a nod from where she stands beside the pale Kelly. “And what we’ve been doing.”

“So we fight,” Grunt says, grinning despite the blood splattering his armour. “Another glorious battle.”

“Um, we just survived one suicide mission, how about we don’t try pushing our luck?” Joker suggests. “I happen to like all my body parts attached to me. And I sure as hell won’t watch the Normandy get destroyed again.”

“Besides, if we stand  _any_ chance of winning against the Reapers, we need all of our militaries to be ready,” Shepard says, looking at everyone in turn. “All of them.”

“Good luck with that,” Jack snorts, and even with her face half-hidden by a hood, Shepard can see the skepticism on Kasumi's face. Shepard ignores the desire to agree with the disbelief lining Jack’s statement. She has no time to give into despair for even a second if they want to survive the future looming before them.

“Which is why we’re going to find the nearest planet you can all book a ship off,” Shepard says, raising her hands at the sudden voices raised in protest.

“Like hell we’re letting you deal with this alone,” Garrus growls.

“We can help you, Shepard,” Tali agrees. “Just like you helped me back on the Migrant Fleet.”

Shepard smiles a little at her offer, but shakes her head.

“This is different, Tali. They want to know what we did and what I have to say. They’ll want to keep me under surveillance until they’ve determined I’ve dropped my connections with Cerberus and the extent of the threat of the Reapers. If I have any hope of convincing them that the Reapers _are_ coming and they need to prepare, then I have to cooperate with them. I have to tell them everything we know.”

She looks around at all of them, studies the anger on the alien’s faces, the resignation in Jacob and Miranda’s expressions, and the agreement shining bright in Joker’s and Doctor Chakwas’ eyes.

“The Alliance won’t care about most of you being there,” Shepard tells them. “I’ll need to include most of you in my report but as for you being physically present when they pick us up–”

She gives them a shrug. “If you’re there, they’ll either ignore you or want to keep you in holding to verify our story. Either way, it’s going to be less complicated if you aren’t there and we don’t have the time to waste.”

She turns to Jack, Kasumi, Legion, and the ex-Cerberus agents. “They won’t, however, take kindly to anyone associated with Cerberus or with any convicts being there in person. And they’ll definitely want to keep you locked up, Legion.”

“We will listen to your logic, Shepard-Commander,” Legion agrees, and she forgets for a moment that he shouldn’t be capable of emotions. “We will depart with the others at the nearest convenience.”

“We will trust your decision, Shepard,” Thane says. The others all slowly nod in turn, and she forces her shoulders not to slump in relief. “Of course, we will all submit our own reports to lend whatever validity we can to your report.”

“And we’ll prepare, just like you said,” Garrus says.

“She took on the Collectors, I’m pretty sure she can handle whatever the Alliance throws at her.” Joker grins. “Besides, she’s not going in completely alone.”

“You can go with them if you want,” Shepard tells him, and glances at the rest of the human crew. “I won’t hold that against you.”

“And leave my baby alone in the Alliance’s hands?” Joker scoffs. “Besides, I’m the best god damn pilot they got. When they finally pull their heads out of their asses and listen to you, you’re gonna need someone to fly the Normandy they give back.”

“They wouldn’t believe it if you showed up with a ship empty of crew,” Kelly says, and gives Shepard a shaky smile. “Besides, they’ll need our help.”

Once everyone has finally agreed, they decide on Omega as their next stop. There are plenty of ships one can buy a passage on and Garrus assures her any members of the mercenary packs that were after him that are still alive won’t recognize him. And, as Tali points out, he has the rest of them to watch his back if they try. Most of them return to their own rooms for the ride there, starting to write hurried reports to send to her for the Alliance’s records. She’s not sure how much weight they will hold in the eyes of her superiors, but their existence fills her with gratitude.

So Shepard watches as all of them make their way off the Normandy and into the dim of the Omega docks. She smiles at them and tries not to ignore the tight knots starting to tangle in her stomach. Pushes away the exhaustion when the Alliance ship does catch up with them and orders the Normandy to stand down and prepare to be boarded. Refuses to show any weakness as her hands are cuffed and she’s accompanied off the Normandy into a small room that will be her home for however many months.

She does, however, give herself one glance back as they’re moving her away from the Normandy. She catches a glimpse of the others slowly coming off behind her and being led in another direction. She thinks she can hear Joker ragging on them for being so harsh to a disabled guy and she feels a smile tugging at the corners of her lips despite herself. It’s gone the moment she passes through the doorway of her new confinement and the lock clicks behind Shepard.

For a long time she simply stands in the middle of the room and surveys the place. Then she allows a small sigh to escape her lips before telling herself not to miss them.

They no longer have the time for grief.   

 

Five

Shepard watches bits of the tower shoot for the space Mordin will never again see and she wonders if there’s anything she could have done differently. Maybe if she had decided to lie about the tower and the Daltrass’ offer she could have saved him. If she had chosen to betray Wrex and let the Salarians continue to play God just as the Reapers have been doing for countless centuries.

 _Looks like we only get to survive one suicide mission, Mordin,_ Shepard thinks.

She lifts her gaze further as small orbs of light begin to fall all around them and has to fight the urge to shake her head. She can imagine how her old drill sergeants would berate her for falling into such a rookie thought pattern. She knows better by now not to think about the “what if’s”, how tempting that particular trap is, and how pointless.

Shepard lets her hand uncurl and watches as the particles drift into her open palm. Stares and wonders at the beauty that exists amidst the sudden destructive aftermath they find themselves standing in.

_“Would have liked to run tests on seashells.”_

_You’re not the only one, Mordin_ , Shepard thinks, remembering the pictures Kaidan had shown her of his parent’s home and the breathtaking shore at the fringes of its backyard. She’s starting to get the feeling her odds of being able to visit such a sight at the end of all this are just as slim as Mordin’s.

He is the first of her old crew to die in the final struggle with the Reapers, but he certainly won’t be the last.

 

+One

_“Oh, Keelah, no!”_

_“Damn it, Shepard, hold on.”_

_“Don’t you dare let them beat you now, Commander.”_

_“Come on, Lola!”_

_“Please, Shepard, don’t let it end like this.”_

_“Shepard please…Don’t leave me again.”_

Shepard blinks away the haze of her dream, Kaidan’s smile filling her vision as he leans down to kiss her. He’s speaking to her and she already knows the words he’s going to say as she realizes they’re in the spacious bedroom in Anderson’s home. The smell of cooking breakfast drifts to their noses, and she watches as Kaidan climbs off the bed and heads downstairs. James will be there, Shepard knows. Miranda and Cortez will be watching, Tali will be curled in a ball in a bed upstairs, and Joker will be slumped over at the bar. For a split second Shepard wonders how she knows all of this as she finds them all in those positions when she walks through the house and then joins Kaidan downstairs in the kitchen.

“Isn’t there something we should be doing right now?” Shepard asks him as he offers her a cup of coffee. James is asking everyone if they want eggs, shouting at Joker and laughing when the only reply is a groan.

“We’re still on shore leave, remember?” Kaidan says.

“Right,” Shepard replies. On shore leave at the Citadel. The Reapers still sweeping through the galaxies, but not yet moving to the final battleground. There’s empty bottles and food containers everywhere, reminiscent of the party they had–

Shepard frowns. It has to have been last night, because she woke up just as she was supposed to following the party. Yet there’s a small whisper pressing against the inside of her head, and it hisses that the party was days ago.

“Is something wrong, Shepard?” Kaidan asks, wrapping an arm around her waist as concerns draws his eyebrows together.

“No, no, it’s…nothing. Just a weird sense of déjà vu.”

“I’m pretty sure the morning after Ilos was nothing like this,” Kaidan says with a chuckle.

Shepard tries to smile even as nausea churns in her stomach, but then Kaidan is speaking again and the others are starting to stumble in from the nests they made themselves last night. They nag James for the eggs they were promised, and shove at Kaidan’s shoulder lightly for hogging the coffee. Their banter and easy smiles push away the dim echoes of their crying and screaming resounding in Shepard’s mind. The warm hand on her hip pushes away the ghostly feel of blood slick skin and hot pain. She loses herself in their company and feels her shoulders relaxing fully when Mordin suddenly walks in.

“Finally–get distracted by another experiment, Mordin?” Joker asks as Mordin joins them at the table. Thane follows behind, offering an apologetic smile to the shocked Shepard.

“Apologies for being late,” Thane says. “When I went to accompany Mordin, he was lost in an important string of numbers.”

“Just as long as it has nothing to do with the Krogan,” Wrex grumbles.

Thane is moving to stand beside a smiling Kaidan, Mordin’s tangent lost to Shepard as she blurts out,

“What are you doing here?”

“Eating breakfast,” Thane replies with a startled expression.

“Don’t you remember, Shepard?” EDI says, and Shepard doesn’t understand why it feels like glass is slicing the insides of her chest when she hears the AI’s voice. “You asked me to invite anyone who couldn’t come last night to join us for breakfast.”

“Legion wasn’t on the Citadel so he couldn’t come,” Tali explains. “Uh, not that he really could have had anything to eat anyways.”

“Legion? But he–” Shepard stops, unable to grasp the wisps of thoughts swirling in her mind.

 _Not right_ , it whispers. She can’t seem to remember what exactly isn’t right, and even that thought is spilling through the cracks between her fingers like water.

“Seriously, Shepard, are you alright?” Kaidan asks, and Shepard immediately feels guilty for the worry creasing his face.

 _His heart is in his wide eyes and she’s watching it break_ – _no, watching it_ be _broken by her as she pulls away from him, pushing away his pleas_ –

“Clearly Garrus gave her something too strong to drink last night,” Jack snorts, and Garrus looks mildly offended.

“You’re joking, right? Shepard drank _everyone_ under the table last night.”

“I’m fine, everyone,” Shepard says, unable to bear the concern she has caused to cloud everyone’s eyes. It still feels wrong, like she’s missing some part of this equation. But it’s hard to focus on the dread with the warmth of Kaidan’s hand clasped in her own. Hard to listen to her own thoughts when the rest of her crew is talking, happy and _alive_ , around her.

She’s not sure how many hours pass in that apartment when Liara reminds them they need to leave soon or they’ll be late to meet Ashley.

“Ash?” Shepard repeats.

_“You know it’s the right choice, LT.”_

Shepard’s heart is beating wildly, hurting as if every time it beats it’s hitting an old scar on the inside of her chest that hasn’t fully healed.

“She’s really excited to see you,” Kaidan says. “I’m sure she’ll have plenty to tell you after fighting in the Traverse system.”

“But–”

_“Why did you choose me?”_

“Alright, you heard her,” Garrus says loudly, and claps his hands together. “Everybody up. You do _not_ want to see Williams when she’s mad _and_ hungry.”

“Let me just–brush my teeth quickly,” Shepard says before bolting upstairs. The feeling of _wrong wrong wrong_ pounds in her head again, but it’s fading by the time she steps out of the washroom. She’s passing by the bedroom when she hears a faint scuffle of feet.

“Stop where–” she says as she eases into the bedroom before freezing. It’s a child.

The child is standing by the bookcase, left hand tapping across the different spines of the books. With her red hair chopped so short, Shepard would have guessed the child was a boy. But she knows instinctively that the child is a girl even before she turns around to face Shepard.

Cameras were unnecessary for life with the Reds, so there are no pictures from that time. Most of their work required they remain untraceable anyways, just another face in the crowd. But Shepard still caught glimpses of herself in mirrors and the windows of stores, so she recognizes the child standing before her as her ten year old self.

The red curls fall into her forehead just like Shepard’s do now. Her child self wears a simple grey dress, sleeves dangling past her thumbs and slipping off her scrawny shoulders.

“They’re waiting for you,” the child finally says when Shepard is unable to find her voice.

“I know I–had to brush my teeth,” Shepard finally replies, and the little girl shakes her head.

“Not them.”

“Then who?”

“We don’t belong here,” she says sadly instead of answering Shepard’s question. “You know that. You’ve felt it.”

“Shepard?”

Shepard whirls around to see Mordin and Thane waiting in the doorway for her.

“Ashley called,” Mordin says. “Very impatient. Must hurry.”

“Is everything alright, Shepard?” Thane asks.

“I–” She glances at her child self and finds her gaze locked on her when Shepard sees the tears in the girl’s eyes. Yet the rest of her expression holds no grief, as if she is unaware of the liquid rolling down her cheeks.

“Please,” the girl says. “They already lost us once.”

“Yes,” Shepard says, memories of the first Normandy and its destruction flashing through her mind. “But how will they lose me again if I join them? I’m just going for lunch, not fighting the Reapers.”

 _Their claws stretching down to the ground, red light shooting from their bodies and destroying all in their path. It has to end now, no matter what the cost. Before any other world is lost, before any other person is lost_ – _even if that means losing herself._

“Oh god,” Shepard whispers, because whatever dam had been in her mind is breaking and the memories are crashing into her now. The memories of the Crucible, the Catalyst, and seeing Earth for the last time. The memories of saying goodbye, of firing her gun for the last time, of accepting what must be given up so they could finally end everything.

The images keep flooding her mind, and now the pain is entering too. The grief that coated her insides when she had to leave Ashley behind and the pain of dying that first time. The dull ache beginning to pound in her chest as she watched Kaidan walk away on Horizon and then on Mars when he accused her of treason. The agony as she forced her bleeding body to move through the Catalyst, and then felt the blast burning all the nerves in her body as she screamed internally for it to destroy the Reapers.

“Shepard?” Thane asks again, and her throat burns with remembrance of his choked voice as he lay dying.

“We wanted a family,” her child self says, and for the first time, Shepard hears the familiar bite in her voice. It is a hardness she learned in those long years on the streets and then in the military, letting fire seep into her voice both to motivate and intimidate. Shepard stares at the girl’s tiny hands curled in fists at her side, as if preparing for another street scrap. “And we got one. So don’t you dare abandon them now!”

A grey blur in the corner of her eye catches Shepard’s attention, and she turns around to watch the child she’s spent so long chasing in her nightmares materialize beside Thane. He stares at her, no accusation and no smile. The only thing on his small face is a calm question, but all Shepard can see is the red light that burned him and so many others.

Shepard blinks and realizes at some point she’s fallen to her knees. Her hands are splayed loosely on her thighs and her whole body is starting to feel as if needles are being jabbed into it. The feel of slick blood covering her skin begins to creep through her, and she stares at her shaking hands. There should be blood there, blood from the wounds in her sides where the cracked armour gave way under the Reaper’s blasts. She hears Thane’s concern split the air, but she can’t find the energy to respond with all of the memories battering each of her senses.

She closes her eyes, but she can’t find the energy to stand. She can’t find the drive that forced her to stumble to the beam, stumble to the control panel, and then stumble to her final choice despite her broken body.

She’s so tired of bleeding.

“Get up.” The girl’s harsh voice drags Shepard’s eyes open. The girl hasn’t moved from her spot, and she stares at Shepard with crossed arms. Only when Shepard meets her gaze does the girl’s expression soften and she stretches out a hand to Shepard. “Please.”

“I just need to rest,” Shepard tells her.

Dimly she wonders if this is yet another test. If she hadn’t really destroyed the Reapers and even now they are trying to indoctrinate her. But when she looks at the mirror reflection of her ten year old self, she finds she can’t quite believe that defiance shining in her eyes is anything but genuine.

“You _need_ to stand up,” the girl says. The tone is softer, but she can still hear the hardness of the streets they grew up on lining the words. “Just one more time.”

Shepard stares at the girl, this version of herself who hasn’t yet discovered all of the beauty and grief space holds for her. She hasn’t been called a hero yet, hasn’t experienced the pride and crushing pressure such a small word brings with it. Her dreams are still only that of escaping the street, and when she stares at the stars she only sees the potential, not the death hiding between the bright lights.

The girl stands there, all skinny limbs and thin muscle and bright eyes, and Shepard knows she is ready to spit in the face of anyone who tells her _impossible_. The hands can still curl into fists ready to launch herself at the nearest opponent, and the eyes can still glare with all of the force of a barely contained fire storm. The girl is still in a place where she can soften when the younger children come crying to her without feeling the sting of each tear that falls. In a place where she can offer scraps of food or money to those who need it more than she without feeling the crushing guilt for not being able to do anything more.

Her defiance has not yet been stolen by the endless fighting and though she may bleed in the streets, she is not yet breaking in every sense of the word.

Shepard stares at the outstretched hand for a long moment, silent and still. Slowly, she presses her hand against the ground and pushes herself into an upright position just as she had at the edge of the beam. Then she turns to Thane, Mordin, and the little boy who will never again hear the call of his name trying to bring him back home.

“I’m sorry,” she says. She reaches out to grab the girl’s hand and take back her strength.

 ***

“Commander?”

It feels like someone has pasted glue over her eyelids and she struggles to peel her eyes open. When she finally manages to open them, dim lights stare back at her from a cracked ceiling. There’s a low beeping noise near her ears, scratchy blankets covering her form. Pain floods her as soon as she’s capable of feeling anything and she has to bite back a groan.

“Holy shit.”

 _I know that voice,_ she thinks, and she’s struggling to turn her head as it speaks again.

“Get Kaidan.”

There’s the sound of shoes slapping cement floor as someone runs away. Shepard manages to turn her head to the side just as they disappear from the small room, white outfit and blue skin blurring in her vision. Then her gaze is falling on a grinning face and she feels what little breath she’s getting into her lungs catch in her throat.

“Joker?”

The grin widens as Shepard coughs. The rasp of her voice and pain it ignites in her throat makes her wince, which only makes everything hurt _more_.

“You sure like to keep us on the edge of our seats, don’t you, Commander?” Joker asks, and she might have rolled her eyes if it isn’t for the slight tremor in Joker’s voice and the way he slumps in the chair beside her bed.

“I’m sorry,” she says. She’s pretty sure if she tried to address any of the guilt she can see lining Joker’s face right now he would simply shut her down. And with the way her head feels full of cotton, she’s not sure she’d be able to formulate anything coherent and meaningful at the moment.

“Usually when people first wake up from a coma they don’t apologize,” Joker says, and Shepard feels the corners of her mouth turn up. Memories are flooding through her mind a few seconds later, though, and questions lie heavy on her tongue.

“Is–”

“The Reapers have been destroyed, most of the crew is okay and helping out with the rebuilding effort right now,” Joker interrupts, holding up his hands as if to stop her flow of words.

Dust swirls in the dim air around them and she knows this hospital must be in one of the many ruins left on Earth. But she’s _breathing_ and there’s not a single sound of battle to be heard. “It’s been a few months, though. We only just made it back to Earth but lucky for you, they sent people scavenging through the Catalyst remains right away and found you. And since most people on Earth have been using just scraps of tech and back-up generators and the like, it didn’t take too long to get the necessary stuff back online.”

Her tongue feels like leather and Joker hands her a small cup of water that’s been sitting on the makeshift table by her side as he continues speaking. “Everyone’s been helping out with the whole rebuilding process since we got here, but since lifting rubble might snap my spine, I elected to stay here and keep tabs on your state for everyone.”

He offers her a wry smile. “They wanted to see you wake up before they left, so good thing you didn’t take two years this time.”

Shepard wants to smile at that, but he had said _most of the crew is okay_ and she doesn’t need to ask who he meant isn’t okay. She remembers the consequences of her choice and the grief dimming the sharpness in Joker’s gaze is answer enough.

“We’ll get them back,” Shepard says, and Joker offers her a small smile. She has no idea how exactly they can do it, but if they were built once, they can be built again. And she’s spent so long thinking about what they might have to sacrifice that right now, she only wants to think of the possibilities they used to believe in with everything they had.

“Shepard!”

They both look up at the sound of Tali’s shout. The Quarian is flinging herself into the room in seconds, and Shepard can hear the tears in her voice as she takes Shepard’s limp hand in her own.

“They were so sure you wouldn’t make it,” Tali tells her, and they hear a snort from the doorway.

“When has Shepard _ever_ done what people expect?” Garrus says as he joins them, moving around the bed to stand on the other side. “Wrex will be proud, Shepard–now you almost have as many scars as a Krogan.”

“Still not as ugly as you though, Garrus,” Joker says cheerfully, and their banter is lost on Shepard as Kaidan finally enters the room.

He doesn’t say her name, standing in the doorway for a brief moment as their gazes meet. When she blinks, he is at her side, hand slipping into the one Tali has let go. She expects him to squeeze so tightly it feels like her bones will break, but he simply laces their fingers together and holds on gently. There are tears in his eyes, just like the ones that had brightened his gaze as they said goodbye. But his face is speckled with dirt rather than blood, and he’s standing on his own now.

He leans down and presses a soft kiss to her forehead.

“Never do that again,” Kaidan breathes, and Shepard tries to ignore the despair leaking into his voice.

“I think I’ve earned my retirement,” she says. He finally smiles and Shepard feels the last vice of dread around her lungs slowly melt away. The sudden entrance of the rest of her crew, shouting her name and barely containing themselves from tackling her, lets her know everything they lost wasn’t for nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Given the strange space-child at the end of Mass Effect 3, my strange coma landscape no longer feels as weird so hey.


End file.
